My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Buying a well is money well spent.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Had an epiphany today.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats