Its true…
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Just a bush.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol