Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
i did the math
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]