Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
You Might Also Like
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain