baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
beware of dog
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]