*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Goat cheese is for herders.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there