[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”