I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.