[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready