Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
PARKOUR
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset