A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.