Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British