interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Goat cheese is for herders.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM