Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.