Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
🏙👨🏼
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
ugh not again
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Just as the prophecy foretold
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.