BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.