Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You Might Also Like
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.