That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.