A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
i really liked this one
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist