Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?