Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate