Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.