I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.