When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK