We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.