My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
This kid is a star!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*