What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.