Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
You Might Also Like
Left at a local drug store…
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.