There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
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I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.