*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Worth a try
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Self-cleaning conscience
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.