The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.