My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.