It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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Sorry not sorry.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis