At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
did it work
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.