[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand