cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”