All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
real
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*