A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The sacred texts.