[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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I mean…but I did
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex