If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You Might Also Like
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
i think both sides are to blame here
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.