I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The opposite of goth is stopth.