My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity