went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Happy Febuary everyone!
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?