Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
kevin is now a local weatherman
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.