Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You Might Also Like
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.