Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Well, shit
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.