Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
You Might Also Like
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name