Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.