If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!