I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.